This post is going to be painfully candid, but as I write this, my 29th birthday is just minutes away and I can't help but reminisce.
You all know that I've had kind of a crazy life.
I like to focus on the physical transition because it's what I can prove. The before and after pictures really do make quite the impact, but that was nothing compared to my mental transition.
Much more intense than the physical symptoms of obesity and MS, there was a long period of my life where my biggest obstacle came from the weight on my mind. The medications were creating strange voices in my brain and as my body broke down, thoughts of suicide filled my head.
I know what it's like to feel gratitude for death because, in the back of my mind, it was an emergency exit option for relief.
They say that MS is set in stone. That I should expect to struggle with symptoms everyday. But when the pain was overwhelming and relentless with no hope from my doctors, I became a prisoner in my own body, desperate for a get out of jail free card.
The fact that I had the choice to end my life became a silver lining to existing. It felt like an exciting little secret because it put me back in control, the power was back in my hands.
I had the power to end the debilitating pain and I knew, when all else failed, at least I always had the option to simply opt out.
The fatigue dragged me down as I exhausted my energy through small tasks. I spent my days fighting to get through the pain and my nights fantasizing about not having to fight anymore.
For months at a time, year after year, I slept with the suicide hotline number typed into my phone next to my pillow. I researched assisted suicide every chance I got, discovered the option in Oregon, and mentally played out the conversation of how I'd bring up that decision to my parents. I just couldn't live my life in suffering anymore and figured everyone would have to understand.
Almost 5 years ago, after a big conversation with myself, I turned to mindset exercises to start healing the mental pain.
It's been a long road, but here I am. In fact, this is the longest I've gone where I wasn't dreaming of ending my life and as my 29th birthday approaches, I feel nothing but gratitude and hope for a future I didn't think I'd ever get to live.
I regained my power and control through physical habits, habits that could only be developed through mindset. I'm fitter and healthier than I've ever been, but it didn't come from healing my body, it came from healing my mind.
I believe in mindset coaching and your ability to utilize these concepts for better health because I know what it's like to be at the very bottom, both physically and mentally. I know the tools it took to pull myself out of that dark place - tools that came from within me - tools that all of us have access to. If I can do what I've done, to come from where I've been, I know that it's possible for anyone.
They say MS is set in stone, but I no longer believe that. If I can manipulate my brain to help me live symptom free almost every single day after living a waking nightmare, I know that you can do it too. That's why I've made it my life's purpose to share my story and help guide others through their mental and physical pain.
I chose to allow those thoughts to control me and I don't want that for anyone else. You can live a life that society says you're supposed to, "set in stone", or you can step outside of their map to create your own path. To build the control and power in your life that will take you to success.
I believe in mindset coaching, in your ability to control your thoughts to manifest health and happiness around you, because I used these mindset shifts to shift my physical reality.
I could have let the fixed path of sickness and obesity control me, but I now understand that no one could control me without my permission, not even my own brain.
Now, all I want is to teach those tools to you.
For my birthday, I'd like to ask you to give me a gift. Sit for 5 minutes today and do some deep breathing. Focus on your breath, on gratitude, and bask in the reflection of all the wonderful things you have in life.
It's time to live your life, Without The Weight.
With love & light,
Carolyn Rachel